Fianna Fail cronyism bad, Fine Gael-Labour cronyism good — try and grasp this concept

TODAY, dear brethren, we begin with the wise old parable of the scorpion and the frog: One day a scorpion came to a riverbank and pondered how it would get across the river. There it met a frog and the scorpion asked the frog if it would piggyback him across, as scorpions can't swim. 'But you're a scorpion,' replied the wary frog, 'if I let you up on my back you'll sting me and I'll die.' The scorpion pooh-poohed the suggestion: 'If I'm on your back and I sting you, then we'll both die because I'll drown,' it said. This made sense, so the frog agreed. All was going well until they were half way across and then the scorpion stung the frog. With its dying breath the frog gasped: 'Why'd you do that? Now we're both going to die. Why?' 'Because I'm a scorpion,' the scorpion replied. Fine Gael, in their general election manifesto, pledged to tackle 'cronyism and featherbedding' when they got into power. Enda even promised a 'bonfire' of the quangos. 150 were mentioned. Labour, being so far above such base considerations, hardly felt the need to state that they would be pure as the driven slush in government. Now the quango chickens are coming home to roost. Abolition is such a final word. Our leaders prefer reform, amalgamation, anything which will keep the gravy train on track, it appears. Which brings us back to the scorpion and the frog. As the Government busies itself appointing their cronies to featherbedded quangos, judicial appointments and whatever you're having yourself comrades, we the public are like the gullible frog, astonished over the continuation of old tricks by old pals. This Government, like the last one and every other one we've been cursed with on this benighted isle, looks after their own, because that's what politicians do. Just like the scorpion, expecting them to act apart from their nature is daft. But let me make it clear at the outset that the cronyism I'm referring to is good cronyism. Not like its evil twin, which is better known as Fianna Fáil cronyism. FF cronyism is corrupt, evil, and mendacious â€â€ shocking altogether. This is why we voted them out of office. 'Down with bad cronyism,' the people cried as one. 'We want good cronyism.' And now we have it: See how much better it feels. Short of disinterring Garret the Good and putting him back on his pedestal, we couldn't do better. But temptation is a terrible thing and even St Enda could weaken under pressure. Which is why we put those paragons of political virtue, those watchdogs of political rectitude, the blessed Labour Party in with them to ensure St Enda and his disciples are not led from the path of righteousness. You see, when evil Fianna Fáil appointed a pal, a political backer or a party moneybags onto a quango, they did so for the most base of motives. They were using thousands of appointments to the 600 or so state bodies as a means of rewarding their own at the taxpayer's expense. We had village idiots criss-crossing the country in a frenzy of clocked-up mileage for meetings of boards no one knew existed. We had rejected politicians kept on life support through appointment to over-paid waffle shops. The list goes on, and on. A quango, by the way, is a quasi-autonomous non-governmental organisation. A sort of paramilitary public service. They are supposed to allow scope for experts to run and administer bodies of benefit to the state and the common good. In fact, there are rumours that a few have actually served some useful function, although, like the existence of the Yeti, this has never been authenticated. Quangos became an issue in Ireland when it was discovered that they breed like rabbits. Attempts have been made to count their numbers but these were doomed to failure because, like the wagtail population, they won't stay still. Anyone in any doubt about the scale of this sector should take a look at a publication called the Administration Year Book. I weep with envy every time I look it up. It literally contains thousands of positions for which I'm totally unsuited, which would suit me down to the ground. The Competition Authority sounds good to me. I like the thought of sitting on a body that examines competition but has no competitor itself. Just think of the expenses I could clock up checking up on the competition in the licensing trade. Naturally, I'd adopt a bums-on-stools approach to my work.   A Castlebar Man's Reward â€â€ Chair of An Bord Quango Cull AS a Mayo man, I take great comfort from the Government's somewhat Augustinian approach to abolishing cronyism: 'Lord, make me chaste â€â€ but not yet.' After all, there has to be some compensation for being born in Castlebar and if Enda can't look after a townie of his, then what use is he at all? I was down in Castlebar over the weekend, ostensibly for a visit, but in fact to instigate talks about talks with a view to setting me up in a long-overdue sinecure. Enda is a bit sensitive on this subject right now, so I had to tread carefully. The Taoiseach is understandably aggrieved that the biased media are insinuating that five of the six judicial appointments made since his Government introduced the new broom had close Government connections. Worse, by some fluke, wasn't his Fine Gael colleague and running mate from Castlebar one of the appointees. What a coincidence! [private] Of course, what the cynics in the media fail to acknowledge is that it's only natural that the just and pure of heart would gravitate towards FG and Labour, and it's therefore not surprising that they end up appointing friends because they're, well, just and pure to begin with. Logical, really. Unlike those unjust and impure Fianna Fáil judges who hang people for rustling sheep and deport children for stealing bread. They were chosen for their sheer badness. Then, on top of everything else, aren't all these old friends popping up on the very quangos Enda and Co pledged to abolish. Now, I know this is all just serendipity, but Enda is kind of sensitive on the subject right now. That said; he liked my quango proposal â€â€ a lot. It's a stroke, sorry, unfortunate choice of word, it's a proposal of genius. How do you appoint a fellow Castlebar man to the chair of a quango without making it look like cronyism and featherbedding and bringing the wrath of the Dublin 4 meeja down on your head? Simple, you appoint him as head of the quango elimination quango. Genius or what? Who could object to that? It shows initiative, determination to rid the country of the curse of the quango. It shows vision, courage and, did I mention, vision. Most of all it shows that you don't forget your old friends because we all know how scarce old friends can become if the goodies aren't flowing our way. As chair of An Bord Quango Cull, it'll be my job to root out all the useless quangos (ie those packed with Fianna Fáilers) and consign them to well-deserved oblivion. Although, on second thoughts, most are already there, so I'll find somewhere else to consign them. Naturally, to carry out such an arduous task I'll have to find a team of equally self-sacrificing individuals who are willing to give some of their spare time for the good of the nation and ask nothing in return but an opportunity to draw enormous fees, milk expenses, and get themselves appointed onto some of the myriad of sub-quangos such an important board will generate. Being a pure quango, unlike those impure Fianna Fáil set-ups, I'll naturally insist that goody-goody Leo Varadkar's 'sunset clause' is included in the articles establishing my quango. This sounds great and the media will lap it up, but thankfully it's based on the absurd notion that the work of a quango can ever be completed. Varadkar, in his innocence, thinks that once the original aims are achieved, the quango should fold its tent and abolish itself. What planet is he living on? I mean; if we did that we wouldn't have a quango left in the country. We'd have bands of failed councillors, dodgy developers, sheep dip experts, redundant Gaelgeoiri and penniless academics wandering the countryside creating all sorts of mischief. No, we'll be doing the country a service by keeping the likes of them safely ensconced in quangos where they can be monitored and kept off the streets. Don't fret too much about those who do get the quango chop either. They'll be looked after. Pay-offs, pensions, and top-ups â€â€ you name it. You can never be too careful, or cute. What goes around comes around. We scorpions look after ourselves. â€Â¢ â€Â¢ â€Â¢   Quote of the Week   'Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.' â€â€ Homer Simpson [/private]