Why male emotions need to be recognised

By MARY HOGAN THE sudden death of young people impacts terribly on all of us. Death by suicide, though, has an added poignancy, with unanswered questions, self-blame and an endless list of 'if only ...' Such unnecessary deaths catapults into our consciousness the well-recognised fact that most men deny, conceal or bury their negative emotions. One in four people suffers from mental health issues but we are all equally vulnerable. For some unknown reason, we regard the playing field of hurling, soccer, rugby, and Gaelic football as the only admissible place for men to show their innermost feelings. Only there, it seems, is it acceptable for our normally stoic men-folk to collapse in utter despair, bitter despondency and tearful helplessness in the face of defeat. (And, conversely, unrestrained delight and spontaneous affection.) Saipan is seared in our minds forever with the memory of Roy Keane, Mick McCarthy and Niall Quinn's raw, painful agony palpably visible. In my previous work as a relationship counsellor/personal development instructor, most men's inability to convey negative feelings appropriately and clearly constantly surfaced. The causes are varied and not always readily identifiable.[private] One glaring reason is that none of us has ever been taught how to communicate effectively. Most women, though, have a natural ability in this regard and in addition acquire it through their social networking. Men do not have this advantage. This inability crosses the social divide. The following are real stories of young people I encountered in my work in the HSE: VICTOR, a wealthy 30-something, described the disintegration of his parents' marriage. His mother, desperate and degraded at the flagrant flouting of her husband's affair, dispatched seven-year-old Victor to the home of the mother of his father's amour to appeal to her to put an end to it. At seven! Victor, although tutored precisely as to what to say, was uncomprehending but, inexplicably, terrified. Walking reluctantly up the path and ringing the doorbell, his fear intensified to such an extent that as the woman opened the door, Victor lost complete control of his bladder. That woman, bless her, had the insight to immediately sum up his plight and enfolded him in her arms. Bringing him in, she gave him milk and biscuits. Victor cannot recall if he actually delivered the message. He absolutely recognised, though, that he refused to show emotion ever again after his mortifying experience. The natural outcome was that Victor never formed any stable relationship and, ultimately, developed bipolar disorder. Victor related all this in a matter-of-fact manner. He was so irreparably damaged that practically nothing impinged on his emotions. Perhaps that was his only defence â€â€ if you don't feel, it cannot hurt. The single biggest lie perpetrated against men in the past is that they were devoid of emotions. Whole generations perpetuated the myth that feelings of grief, helplessness and bitter disappointment were solely women's prerogative. Men were portrayed as tough and insensitive. Now we are educated sufficiently to realise that men experience the full gamut of emotions every bit as deeply as women do. Because they hide, bury or deny their hurts does not mean they do not experience pain, sadness, fear or whatever else. ANDREW, a middle-management man whose father was alcoholic, learned from an early age to 'read' his mother's face. Who knows whether his mother intended this or not? No matter â€â€ the end result was that Andrew protected his mother from any additional worry by concealing his childhood concerns from her. This informed his development to the extent that all negative emotions were buried. The fall-out caused successive problems in his marriage. Through discussion and therapy, though, he and his wife worked towards a carefully-managed programme of disclosure on his part and Andrew discovered that his wife was well capable of listening, handling and helping with whatever problems presented themselves to him. Life and Relationships are not games. They're for real and there will be no re-play. Men need to develop their EQ to its full extent. That means Emotional Quotient for those who think the more common IQ, 4X4 or BMW is way more important. It's not healthy to adopt the attitude of not complaining and not explaining. JOEY, a rural farm worker, remembered, aged 13, dashing into the bathroom with a hurley to protect his mother from the physical violence of his father. Joey came eventually for help because his first reaction, with his own sons, was to lash out when disciplining them. Not all men are so sensible. Joey learned correct methods of discipline, together with the necessary skills for the open and natural expression of his feelings to his children, thereby teaching his family by example. Statistics show that some men prefer to avoid problems/conflict/negativity rather than try to solve problems. Some sulkily refuse point-blank to discuss or try to resolve the issue â€â€ perhaps fearful of further conflict â€â€ or else escape out the door for a pint. Because of our woeful educational deficiency around emotional expression, men need to learn to respect their own mental well-being. And perhaps we can all support and encourage each other, and men in particular, to realise that it is our duty to accept responsibility for our own feelings and to state them in an honest, open manner. Nobody is a mind-reader. (All names have been changed.)[/private]